February is the official “LOVE” month! So, I thought we could have some ‘love talk’. But, not the mushy stuff you may be thinking of. Let’s talk about something that actually matters-something that has a huge affect on marriage, and other relationships. This could actually make or break any relationship. This is also an area that I have to be extremely intentional about in my own marriage. By nature, I’m an introvert, so I don’t always have the most to say. I spend a lot of time in my head, processing information and thinking about things. Then I can hear my Husband’s words playing in my head, “Tamyia, you have to speak”. Yes, I know there’s this stereotype that women are the ‘talkers’ and men don’t have much to say. But, in our marriage, I think it might just be the opposite. LOL! My Hubby is very expressive-tells you exactly what he’s thinking at any given moment, but I generally require a bit more prodding, depending on the conversation. By now I’m sure you’ve gathered that this post is going to be about Communication!
So, let’s talk about it! How’s your communication with your Hubby (or your wife…let’s face it, a guy could very well be reading this post as well 😉)?
What happens when a difficult conversation has to happen? How do you handle difficult conversations? Do you automatically go into the conversation on the defense or do you give yourself time to mentally prepare? Do you give yourself time to let your guard down, so you can actually have your ears and heart open to be a part of the conversation-not just going in with preconceived notions? Do you have the ability to fight the feelings and thoughts of anxiety- that the conversation might go in a negative way? Are you able to push past those things and maybe even initiate the conversation-even though you know it may probably be unpleasant? Are you willing to hear him out, listen to what he has to say, hear his heart? Will you even take the time to consider what he has to say? Or do you go into the conversation with your mind already made-up? I know! I know! I know that was a storm of questions and scenarios. I just wanted to get you thinking, and see where you find yourself within that spectrum? What’s your go-to mechanism? Is it helpful or harmful to your marriage? Does it encourage conversation, welcome communication, or does it feel stan-off-ish? LOL! I know that’s not a word. I just wanted you to get the point of what I’m trying to express. Is it inviting or repelling?
Well, no one likes having difficult unpleasant conversations. But in the words of my lovely husband, “difficult conversations are a part of growing up”. Difficult conversations definitely have their place in relationships. They are quite necessary, despite their discomfort. I think it’s a part of human nature to be on the defense sometimes. However, if you are anything like me, there have been times when you have already been formulating your response (or should I say, defense) while your husband is still speaking. This is not the right attitude. Really, if you are spending the mental energy trying to formulate your response while he is still talking, are you really even listening or considering what it is that he is saying? Nope!
Can I give you some advice (it’s for me too 😊)? Relax…. Let your guard down! It’s the only way any true, genuine communication actually happens. If you’re simply waiting for the other person to shut up so you can prove your point….sadly, you’ve already lost! Is your need to be right, worth your marriage? You are and will be at fault sometimes, maybe even more often than not. You are human, right? Guess what? Humans make mistakes. We all let one another down at some point. Hopefully, it’s not intentional, but it’ll happen. As a part of growing up, be ready and able to apologize. Transparent moment: I do not like saying the S-word. I don’t quite know why. It’s just so hard for me to say, “Sorry” sometimes. I feel so ashamed telling you all this, but I’m aware of it now. My husband, of course, is the one who brought this to my attention. There was a period that felt like whenever we’d have difficult/heated conversations, he’d always be the one apologizing. It’s like I was always the victim-maybe it was a mental stance in my brain or something…IDK? But, I can say that I am thankful for his transparency and the strength to tell me the truth. Is your Husband able to tell you the truth, without you punishing him in return? ( another conversation for another time 😉) After thinking about it a bit, I started to believe that not being able to apologize somehow stems from a place of pride. Is it that I felt I wasn’t ever wrong? Couldn’t be. Was is that Hubby is so strong, I’d somehow convinced myself that his feelings couldn’t be hurt? I am actually thinking this through as I’m writing to you…is this an epiphany? What do you all think about this? Tell me your thoughts.
The bottom line here is, enter into the conversation with a sense of humility. Don’t be so proud that you think you can’t be wrong. That’s a recipe for disaster. If it’s left unchecked, it could definitely be the ruin of your marriage relationship.
Resist the urge to reach the conclusion before the communication has even happened. I am definitely guilty of doing this! There are times when I am playing all these different scenarios over and over in my brain about how I think things will turn out or how the conversation will happen. And it usually does not go that way. My husband will say to me, “Tamyia, you are already down the street and around the corner and the conversation has not even happened yet.” He is right! I think this stems from anxiety. Sometimes when I know I have to have difficult conversations, it can be a bit unnerving. It’s like I have to work things out in my brain before I can move on or relax my brain.
As for my initial go-to mechanism of response, it used to be silence/withdrawal. That’s what my brain (and my selfish heart) naturally tells me to do. After so many years of marriage (and mostly, The Holy Spirit), I now know that this is definitely NOT the appropriate response. It’s a really immature and inconsiderate response, when you really think about it. So, I have to resist the urge to just ‘be quiet’ and say/do nothing-especially when I know something needs to be said. Who benefits from silence? God made us to be in relationship with one another. This requires communication. Intentional communication, that is. If you know your Hubby is hurt or something is bothering him, how could you go on as if nothing has happened? How does that make him feel? How does that help your marriage? Does it help build trust? Absolutely not! In fact, it’ll do the opposite. Think about it…if your Husband knows that if he is transparent with you-shares his heart, opens up, tells you how he really feels-which is not easy for many men, and all he gets from you is ‘crickets’?!?! If he finds the strength and courage to do so, and your response is minimal or nonchalant, he likely won’t continue sharing with you in the future. You’re his wife. You are the one whom he’s supposed to be able to share his heart with, if no one else. As I’m writing this, I’m even thinking about how infidelity has the opportunity to creep in sometimes. Is that door opened, possibly, because his wife isn’t listening to him? I think we all must be careful here. We can very easily, maybe without realization, begin to take one another for granted. Make sure your Husband feels valued in your life. Be sure you make him feel important when he speaks. Give him your undivided attention when he has something to say. Don’t make him feel simple or silly. Don’t disregard his thoughts and ideas. This may seem simple, but put the phone down and turn the tv off when he’s speaking to you. That way, he isn’t competing for your attention. If you make him feel unimportant, he’ll eventually stop speaking…to you, that is. He still has somethings he needs to say, you just won’t hear them. When your man stops speaking, it’s dangerous territory. Be careful!
Once the serious conversations have begun, are you willing to be honest, open, and transparent about how you really feel? Because, think about this, without you letting him know how you really feel how can you expect things to get better? Be honest, you’ll probably feel better once the conversations have been had. The elephant will no longer be in the room, and the tension will have been released. At least now you both know where the other one stands about things.
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