Sooooo, in our last post we discussed Communication in Marriage/relationships. We are still in the month of February, so I am going to keep it along the lines of love and relationships. But remember, we are not talking about any mushy stuff here. We are talking about things that could help your relationship and have the potential to improve your marriage. So, still along the lines of communication, this post will be focusing on why you shouldn’t keep your feelings inside. Sometimes we might have the tendency to (try to) hide our feelings, conceal our emotions, and not want to say what is wrong. Why is that, though? Is it the fear of starting an argument or having a disagreement? Or is it just an avoidance tactic? I am not sure. I am still working that out in my head. But I am a person who really cannot hide how I am feeling. My face, along with my body language, tends to express my inner emotions-oftentimes it is involuntarily. A typical example of this may be something like my eye contact, or lack thereof. I just cannot hide it! If I am upset with my husband, more than likely I am not going to be making full (if any) eye contact with him. I will be looking away or possibly even rolling my eyes, if I’m upset. These are all obvious signs that I am angry, upset, or bothered by something. So even though I may not be saying it verbally, my face and body language is still displaying it all. So, here is a moment of transparency: I can think of times when I have been upset with my husband about certain things and I tried to just ‘not say anything’; but as I stated before, my body language and my facial expressions generally tend to tell on me. So, I really am not able to hide it from him. So, when he starts to ask what is wrong, my response is, “nothing”- even though I know there is something. I am just not ready to talk about it at that time yet. But it still is not really the appropriate response. The fact that he is asking what’s wrong means that he is concerned, and he wants to resolve whatever the issue is. But me being in my feelings and just being silly and childlike, trying to not talk about it or even hold on to the offense, which is wrong.
Another reason you should not keep your feelings inside is because the longer you keep it in, it will begin to fester. The longer you stew in it, the more it has the opportunity to grow. It could turn it into something bigger than it originally was. Just allowing yourself to keep thinking about it, keep allowing yourself to replay it in your head, or saying negative words about him and/or the situation are not wise decisions. All of these will more than likely turn something (that may have been) small into something big. It was not a big deal at the beginning. But because of the amount of time that has passed and the amount of thought and attention you have given to it, it has been able to transform itself into something much bigger, which is not a good thing. So, as I am talking about this topic, I am thinking of a Bible verse that says- Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath-Ephesians 4:26. Don’t go to bed angry. Do not go to sleep knowing you and your Hubby have not resolved an issue. Do not walk around angrily keeping things inside, holding on to an offense. What is really the point in doing this? Let’s think about it-the longer you hold on to it, the bigger it (potentially) becomes. I do not have any proof, I am not a psychologist, nor am I a marriage counselor by any means. But this is just Tamyia’s brain and insight into the human mind and the human spirit. I tend to think that when people get divorced, they are at a point where they are so angry at the other person-these are things (offenses) that have happened over time, but they were not resolved. These have been issues that have built up over extended periods of time (possibly years). Disagreements took place but were never properly resolved. Or they got angry with each other, but they never talked about it. They never took the time to talk it out. They never apologized to one another. They never told the other person how they felt, dishonesty. Or they tried to tell the other person, but the other person did not listen. They spoke, but the other person did not hear them. They felt unheard. I think all these things that may have been small when they happened and could have easily been resolved-but they weren’t. Over time they continued building up and they were not resolved. If it is not talked about, it is not worked out, it is not fleshed out, it’s not forgiven; it turns into something bigger than it really should have ever been. These are some things that lead to separation, then, divorce.
If you are holding things inside, if you are holding a grudge against your husband; if you are ‘secretly’ angry at him; or anything of this sort, it is only a matter of time before it shows up and manifests itself. It may not show up in your words right away, but it is going to become evident in some other way/situation. For instance, you may find that you are becoming noticeably shortwith him. If he asks you a question you may respond in a rude or unbecoming way, just because of what is going on internally. You may even begin to lose respect for him and not value what he has to say. When you have things going on inside of you like anger and unforgiveness they tend to come out or show themselves in other ways. You may find yourself being very impatient with him, not caring about what he has to say, or not giving him the attention and respect that you usually would.
I was listening to an audiobook recently and one of the things that they said was, “your outer world is a manifestation of what’s going on inwardly”- or something to that respect. This is also true in your communication and your relationships. The way you feel internally about a person or what you are thinking about them at that moment is going to determine how you interact with them. It’ll determine whether you give them a smile or frown, if you answer them gently and calmly or abruptly, if you greet them with a hug or just wave hello. These are just a few examples of what is inside showing up on the outside– showing up in terms of your communication.
To avoid this, I would say a good thing to do is practice saying how you are actually feeling. I know this may sound so simple. But it is not always an easy thing to do. Be sure to express yourself in a non-aggressive, non-confrontational manner-not blaming the other person. Do it in a way that does not feel like you are pointing the finger at him. For instance, instead of saying, “every time you make that comment it makes me upset;” instead, you could say something like, “I felt like ____ when ______ happened.” Or you could try a statement like, “When we have discussions about ____ I usually start to feel like ____… and I am trying to figure out why. I am trying to get to the root of it to see why I feel this way when we have this specific type of conversation. Maybe you can help me with this.” This way you let him know how you feel. You are also making him aware of how the conversation makes you feel. And most importantly, you are also inviting him into your world. You are giving him an opportunity to help (BTW, Men love to ‘help’) you unpack why you feel that way when you have the conversation. This may even cause him to reflect on his words or his tone when those conversations happen. Most importantly, all of this is happening in a way that is not causing an argument. You are bringing it to his attention without accusing him, without blaming him, and without pointing the finger. This makes for a calmer conversation that may lead to results. When blaming is happening, it tends to put people on the defense and those conversations never really go well. Things do not tend to get resolved during such communications.
So, I would say as soon as the offense takes place, as soon as it happens, talk it out right away-if it is at all possible. I know sometimes maybe your children are around and you cannot have that conversation right away. If you can, just step away into a bedroom or a separate place so that you can just talk and just hash it out quickly before it goes to another degree that does not really need to go. Also, sometimes you are just not at a location where you may be able to speak. But in the meantime, try your best to keep your composure and remain respectful even though you might be angry or offended. You still must be able to hold it together and keep your emotions in check until you all are able to have that conversation.
Remember, transparency is the key to having great communication in any relationship. Not saying how you really feel doesn’t improve the relationship. Holding on to grudges and offenses slowly destroy your marriage. Be careful how you say things-be aware of your tone, body language, etc., but get your feelings out. Discuss it and squash it! Forgive one another!
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