Guess what!?!? Our third eldest son (we have four sons 😊) turned 10 today! Hooray for double-digits!!! Now, back to business: We are still in the month of February, so I am still going to be keeping it along the lines of love, marriage, and relationships. But remember no mushy stuff here! You will get enough of that on TV, online, and in the stores. Everywhere you go (during February) you will get your fill on that. Over here I like to give actual tips and strategies to help you have better communication in your relationship. So, with, this post is still going to be along the lines of communication. But this time we are going to be talking about keeping your emotions in check, especially when you are upset or when you are having difficult conversations. Do you find yourself being rude or disrespectful to your husband when you are upset with him? Sometimes in the heat of the moment tempers flare and people may act out of character. Sometimes we say things that we may not necessarily mean. But because we are angry at that moment, we may say something just to upset the other person. So, I would like to encourage you to express yourself and say how you are feeling in a respectful way, though you may be upset.
Voice: Are you raising your voice? Please do not tell me that when you get upset you are screaming and yelling. I know you are much bigger than that, right? And you CAN still express your feelings and emotions- getting them out of your head and letting him know how you are feeling while using a calm and respectable tone. That makes for a much more peaceful flow of communication between the two of you. Because, think about it, when your voice becomes elevated, it automatically puts the other person on the defense. Once you start yelling, your blood pressure and your cortisol levels begin to rise. I do not think people are thinking clearly, nor are they responding correctly when these levels are elevated. Communication flows more freely when both parties are calm, open, and ready to listen to one another. But if somebody is screaming, more than likely you are not even getting the point that they are trying to get across because you are more than likely more focused on the fact that they are screaming. Depending on the level and tone of their voice, you may be feeling threatened. The shouting is what will capture your attention, focusing on this more so than what the conversation really is supposed to be about.
Physical: And this goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. At NO point should the conversation ever become physical in any way. There should never be hitting, pushing, or taunting of any kind. I want to believe that most adults have the ability (and hopefully the vocabulary) to express themselves and to get their thoughts and emotions out of their heads. They are well able to put those things into words; be able to communicate with the other person; and express what they are thinking, feeling, and or experiencing.
Eye Contact: I would also say to make sure that you maintain eye contact while you are speaking. Even if it is an argument or feels like an argument, look at him while he is speaking to you. This conveys a nonverbal sense of respect. It lets him know that you are listening. Also, that you think enough of him to make eye contact. He means enough to you that you are willing to stop what you are doing and look at him while he is speaking to you. He is trying his best to get something across to you. Please appreciate the fact that he is speaking and sharing his heart with you. If you are looking away while he is talking to you, it can feel a bit devalued. It conveys a message of, “I’m busy, but I’m still giving you some of my attention.” It could almost feel like ‘I don’t value you enough’ or ‘I don’t value what you have to say enough to even look at you.’ Or worse, ‘what I’m doing is more important’ and ‘I don’t think enough of you to stop what I am doing to look at you while you are speaking to me.’ If that is the feeling that you are giving the other person, this is not a conducive environment for effective communication to take place. Let us be honest here! Would you like how this might make you feel? Exxxxxactly! I know, as women, we love to feel that we are #1 on our Husband’s list of importance. We like to feel valued, important, loved, heard, prioritized, secure…and this list could go on and on. But you get my point, right? Transparency moment: Perhaps I am a bit strange when it comes to this area. But, when I am talking to my husband, I want his undivided attention. If he picks up the phone and starts texting, I will stop talking. When he starts talking to the children (as I am speaking to him), or watching TV, I literally STOP speaking- until I feel like he is ready to listen. SO, if that is how we feel and that is what we desire, then we should be willing to give him that same feeling-as he is our #1 priority.
Body-Language: In addition to your voice and your eye contact, I would also say to monitor your body language altogether. Examples could be things like folded arms. This may tend to give off a certain feeling, may even convey a look of anger, or frustration. Transparency Moment: As for me, it is a habit of mine-to have my arms folded (maybe it’s because I’m usually cold…?). Me having my arms folded conveys a message to my husband of some sort. Because he will begin to ask me ‘what’s wrong?’ or he wants to know ‘what’s the matter?’ Am I okay? All of this is just because my arms are folded. So, it may seem like it is ‘nothing’ to you, but to the other person, folded arms are actually saying something. Discussing this is making me think even deeper now about how subconsciously we are trained to think and believe certain things. It could be that growing up as a child a parent may have folded their arms when they are angry. They may have folded their arms when they were about to talk to us about something that we had done wrong. This could cause us to believe a certain thing about certain forms of body language. And I will stop there. Because this is going to lead me into an entirely different topic/idea which is for another blog post- about things that couples must understand about each other before getting married. As far as a person’s culture, their family life, how they grow up, etcetera. These are all important things to know, consider, and understand about a person (before getting married). Because, in some way -directly or indirectly -it will end up affecting your home, your children, your marriage, and your entire life. (We will discuss this further in another post. Leave a message below if you would like me to 😉)
Sucking Your Teeth: Now, this next thing I will mention could vary depending on your culture, but ‘sucking your teeth’ while someone is talking is extremely rude. This could easily be received as ‘I don’t want to hear what you have to say.’ It could also be taken as ‘I don’t really value what you have to say’ or ‘I don’t like the words that you are saying and therefore I don’t want to listen.’ This is a discussion my husband and I have had several times. You see, My Hubby is from an island, and I was born and raised in Florida, so there are some cultural differences. His ears are trained (for lack of a better way to explain this to you) to hear when someone sucks their teeth. Growing up, they were not allowed to do it, especially when an adult was speaking. As for me, I grew up around others doing it (??I do not recall ever doing this with my parents), so I did not notice it as much. He would be the one to point it out to me sometimes, even sometimes in the way women speak to men. (I will stop there, THAT will lead to another post. We’ll chat about this later)
Eye-Rolling: How abo. eye-rolling? What are your thoughts about this? Are your eyes making their way to the top of your head while your Hubby is talking? I hope not ☹! BUT, If so, no worries. I am here to help! When we know better, we DO better! The rolling of the eyes while someone is speaking can be very off-putting and portray a negative emotion to the person speaking. It could cause them to simply shut down and stop sharing. So, no matter how much you might not agree with or how much you disapprove of what he is saying, you must resist the urge to roll your eyes. This, I would say, falls under the category of having self-control.
I hope this post has helped you reflect on the way in which you communicate with your husband (and other important people in your life). Communication is a two-way street. Just as we want to be valued and respected, we must be willing to give the same to our Husband. We must be conscious about what our bodies are saying, especially nonverbally. We must also be aware of our speech-rate, tone, volume, etc.- when we are speaking to our husband. We want to make him feel so valued that he always wants to come talk to us and share his ideas with us. We want our communication and conversations to be peaceful and just flow easily, not feel stressful and rigid.
If you have read this far, please drop me a comment below. Share your thoughts! I value your opinions.
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