Have you ever seen a marriage in which the husband and wife compete with one another? Ever witnessed a wife not wanting to listen to her husband? Is this you? Why do you think that is? Why would a wife feel the need to overpower her husband? Why would a wife desire to overpower him? Is it possibly due to some underlying issue, like insecurity? Is it that she needs to feel recognized or acknowledged for her achievements? Is it her need to win? Is it a need to feel like she is the one in power? Think about it… when one feels the need to compete with another person, it is usually to show the other person that ‘I can do something better than you can.’ These attitudes, thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and feelings have NO place in your marriage! In fact, you do not compete with someone you love. Your husband is not your enemy!
Competing?
It sounds like an unresolved case of childhood trauma. It could be words that were spoken to you when you were a child that made you feel insignificant, or someone told you that you could not achieve something. These words are still playing in the background of your subconscious, so you feel the need to prove yourself to other people. When you were younger someone made you feel silly, you were embarrassed in class, or you were not ‘at the top of the class;’ so now you tend to overcompensate. You feel the need to be the best, get the highest score, or win at everything-all this, just to satisfy your ego and/or silence your insecurities. Is it that winning shuts down the voices in your head that make you feel like ‘you are not enough’? But all these things are simply putting a bandage on the womb, instead of getting to the root-the underlying issue. These issues have no place in your marriage.
Let us unpack this a bit further. In the wedding vows, a couple enters a covenant before God. The Husband vows to love, cherish, honor, and to keep his wife first. He promises before God, family, and friends to love, protect, and care for her until death. He is even willing to give his life for her. Does any of this feel negative? Does it seem like an attack on the wife? Does it sound like a Husband intends to harm or hurt his wife in any way? Absolutely not! In fact, it is the exact opposite. The Husband’s role is to make his wife feel loved, valued, respected, cared for, and secure. If this is the case, why would a wife desire to compete with orattempt to overpower the man whose sole purpose is to make her life better? It almost sounds like an oxymoron. Right? Or she is the ‘moron’…LOL!
Too Strong?
Do not be too strong! As a woman we may sometimes feel the need to be strong in our marriage relationship or show our husband that we can do it. But, why? This may be especially true if the woman was a single mom before getting married. In this case, she was already accustomed to doing many things on her own and having to take care of all the things. However, when you get married you must be able to accept help. You are no longer single. So, everything is no longer your sole responsibility. You now have someone there to assist you physically, emotionally, financially. What a Blessing! You have someone who loves you and does not want to see you tired, stressed, worried, anxious, and trying to do everything on your own. This is no longer your story. There is no need to show him that you ‘can do it,’ nor prove to yourself that you can do it without him. In fact, it should be just the opposite. Your husband should feel as if he is needed. He needs to feel like he has a place in your life where he can help you, assist you, and make your life easier. He wants to take the load off. That is his role. Men are naturally problem-solvers. If he sees something is not right, his first instinct is to fix it. So, when he can do something for you, it gives him a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Please, allow him to be there for you in this way. He is supposed to provide comfort, safety, and help you with things that you are trying to accomplish. So, if you feel the urge to want to show him up or show him that you can do things without him, resist it. This is a dangerous place to be. What is the underlying reason that you would want to make him feel you can do it without him? Who benefits from this thinking? This could cause him to feel unwanted or unnecessary and begin to push him away. Once again, your husband should feel ‘needed’ in your marriage relationship.
Earns More
In the case where the woman may earn more money than her husband, this could be a very delicate situation. She would have to be sure that she is not making him feel inferior. Do not make him feel he is less than or beneath you, due to money. That shows a lack of respect. It could also indicate that you value the money more than you value your Husband and marriage relationship. Furthermore, all that you have should be together. Husband nor wife should be using the terms ‘my’ or ‘mine’ when referring to finances. Instead, things should be referred to as ‘ours.’ This is not something that may come easily. Especially when both of you are used to being on your own. Despite what you may feel, your’ things no longer belong to ‘you’ solely. So, it is an adjustment when you know you must share things- space, time, resources, your body, and especially your money. Human beings are naturally selfish. Moreso, we were born into a sinful nature. “I” am always more important, but these thoughts and attitudes must be held captive. We must renew our minds with The Word of God and learn to put others (namely, our Husband) before ourselves. Thinking wrong thoughts will not help your marriage, nor lead it in the right direction. HusbandHUsbans and wife are on one team, and you work together towards mutual goals. So, scratch the ‘mine’ and ‘my’ because those are words of singularity. Once you get married the two of you become one. So, all that you have goes into one ‘pot’ and both of you draw from that pot to reach the goals you have set forth within your relationship.
Able to Listen?
Are you able to take advice from your husband? Do you value what he has to say? Is he able to give you advice and you will follow through and do what he asks? Moment of transparency: I can recall times during our marriage when my husband would tell me certain things pertaining to our sons and sometimes it felt a bit hard to digest. Sometimes as moms we are on autopilot, and we get used to doing certain things for our children. At various stages, as they are reaching certain age milestones, we are supposed to begin to gradually relinquish some of the things that we do for them. We should begin to teach them responsibility and accountability. We must begin to teach them how to do some things on their own. The goal is for them to become responsible. For example, doing my sons’ laundry and ironing their clothes are two tasks that I can recall having to remind myself to stop doing for them. I had to train them- show them how to do it- and gradually let go. I knew I would have to stop doing certain things for them eventually. But when my husband brought it to my attention, it did not necessarily feel good. I think as humans we are somehow naturally opposed to being given instructions. Feedback, though it could be for our own benefit, is not always well received.
A quick back-story: As you may know from reading previous posts, I had my two older sons before getting married. So, my husband became a stepdad once we were married. There have been times in our marriage where he has encouraged me to have certain conversations with our older sons. I did not always like ‘being told what to do.’ Even though he was not necessarily ‘telling me what to do,’ that is how my brain processed it. That is how it felt. Though what he was advising was beneficial, I just did not like the feeling of him ‘telling me to’ have a certain conversation. Something inside of me would rise-up and I would feel as if “why don’t you do it?” But these are emotions that I had to check and keep under control. I knew this was wrong thinking. As a stepdad, my husband has developed a good relationship with our sons. However, as he explained to me, there are just certain conversations that are better coming from the biological parent. From a mom to a son, certain conversations are simply better received coming from myself. And I understood that, which is why I could not let my emotions get the best of me. As I stated before, there is something within this human flesh that does not like ‘being told what to do.’ Be very aware of these types of thoughts. Do not allow these feelings to cause a problem between you and your husband. Humble yourself, listen, and allow yourself to receive instruction.
Conclusion
As The Bible says, there is no good thing in this flesh (Romans 7:18), which is why we must not allow it to rule. As wives, we must resist the urge to compete with the one who is there to love us and make our lives easier. We should also be open to listen when our Husband speaks. We want him to listen when we have concerns, so we must be willing to give the same. Be able to humble yourself and receive help. Remember, your Husband is not your enemy. Work together!
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