Do you believe that negative feelings caused by unmet expectations are a normal part of marriage and that they always will be? Well, what if I told you that there is a way to actually have your expectations met, without living in disappointment, and really love each other in the way you want to be loved?
Let’s begin by defining what expectations actually are. Expectations are what you think someone should do, or what you think should happen. When expectations go unmet, it can often lead to frustration, resentment, and even anger.
If this is currently you — you are angry and frustrated with your husband because you feel like he isn’t meeting your expectations — there are a few questions you should ask yourself. Before you spend another day telling yourself, “My husband doesn’t care,” and continue feeling disappointed, ask yourself a few qualifying questions. Let’s see if your disappointment is warranted.
One: Has This Expectation Been Verbalized?
Have you made him aware of this expectation? Did he agree to it? Have you all discussed it in detail, and does he clearly understand what you need? Did you all discuss when, how, or how often this expectation will be met? Because if it has not been agreed upon by your husband, how could you possibly be angry? It would be like you are angry about something that he is not even aware of!?!?
Sounds a lot like wasted energy! It’s like expecting something from someone, but they have no idea that you want it. This sounds borderline foolish. You should even take a moment to consider the other person’s feelings. Think about how you would feel if someone were angry with you due to an expectation that you had no idea even existed. You might feel a little bit confused and even unsure of what is going on.
Moment of Transparency: I can remember having moments like this at the very beginning of our marriage. There were some mornings where I would find myself feeling a bit frustrated inside because of something that I wanted from my husband. But the problem was that I had not communicated this want/expectation to him. So, he really had NO idea what I wanted in that moment.
So, I’m not sure what I was thinking — perhaps I was expecting him to read my mind, read my emotions, or read my face. Seriously?!?! How could he know what I wanted if I did not tell him?
So, the point here is to communicate your expectations. Once you have communicated them, make sure that it is clear. Be sure that he actually understands what it is that you want. Be clear and precise so that you both are on the same page. It will make for a more peaceful and thoughtful marriage.
If he knows what you want, he will try his best to fulfill the expectation so long as it is reasonable. Which leads me to the next question you should ask yourself.
Two: Is the Expectation Fair/Reasonable?
Is this something that you can do on your own, but you just prefer him to do it? This might actually be acceptable in some circumstances, but be considerate of the things that he already has to do. Consider his normal day-to-day schedule and his time constraints. Where, if any place at all, does this expectation fit into his day(s)? Is this something that he can easily accomplish, or will it require a huge sacrifice on his part? Just, think about it a bit.
I have been guilty of this. There are sometimes things that I could probably do by myself, but I just want my husband’s help sometimes. There are also some things that he just naturally does better than I do. And I sometimes ask for his help with these things.
Is this expectation fair? Is this something that will benefit your marriage relationship, or is it something that is all about you? Is this expectation something that is self-serving, or could it be perceived as selfish? If so, take a moment to rethink whether or not this expectation is reasonable. Is this something that requires you all to negotiate or come to an agreement about? Is it something that you all can talk through and maybe compromise or meet in the middle about it?
Depending on your expectation, there are many things that you need to take into consideration. For instance, you must consider his background and his culture before you make certain assumptions or expect certain things from him. You must consider the fact that you were not raised the same — different family, different origin, and different past experiences.
This means, foundationally, you possess different building blocks; therefore, you are seeing the world and community in a different light. You have had different life experiences, so the way you expect things to be done and how you see things will be different from one another.
Guess what?!?! That is OK. In fact, it is normal. Hence the saying, “Opposites attract.” In this case, you need a gentle reminder: things do not always have to be your way. You must be willing to consider whether the expectation is fair. Ask yourself, will this benefit ‘us’… or only yourself?
Three: Are You Even Aware That This Expectation Exists?
I know this one might sound a little strange because how could we not be aware of an expectation, right? Well, it is called an unconscious expectation. Who ever knew? This type of expectation is not realized until an actual situation arises.
For instance, let’s say that Valentine’s Day is coming. Your husband wants to get you something nice. His idea of nice is that he buys you a nice box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. (As a boy, he used to see his dad bring chocolates for his mom.) So, he took his time and went out to look for the nicest (appearance, flavors, brand) ones that he could find. He was sure to include the flavor that you love. He was certain you were going to love it! This is what he got you for Valentine’s Day.
But instead of loving and appreciating it, you got angry when you received the gift. You did not let him know that you were upset about the gift, but deep down you felt disappointed. After thinking about it for a while, you realized that you were upset because you expected him to buy you gold instead.
What you really wanted for Valentine’s Day was gold (that you’ve been seeing on the Valentine’s Sales TV ads), not chocolate. This expectation was never discussed. You all have never had a conversation about what type of gift you prefer. You never even realized this expectation existed; however, when this situation occurred, you realized it was there. You realized that you really expected a different type of gift.
This is another instance where you really should not be upset with him because he was unaware of this expectation. This expectation was never even verbalized, since you didn’t know it was there.
What should you do in this case? You should probably ask yourself if it is a fair expectation. Also, ask yourself if you really have the right to be upset? Or, should you just be grateful that he thought enough of you to go out and get you a gift at all? I would try my best to choose Thankfulness.
Closing
In today’s world — especially with the presence of social media at our fingertips and in our faces every hour of the day — we must be careful that our expectations do not fall into the category of unrealistic. TV and movies can easily also give us a false pretense, somehow influencing us to develop certain expectations of our husbands that are really not within his reach.
They probably were not something that you had ever thought about, nor ever desired before seeing it in the movie. So, we must be careful what we consume and how we let it affect us. We also have to be careful not to fall into the trap of comparison. Keep things in perspective. Remember, everything on TV and social media is not necessarily real, nor true.
As human beings that God created to be in relationship with one another, we all have expectations — whether we realize they exist or not. Think about a baby, for instance. They don’t even have the capacity to know what an expectation is; however, they expect for someone to care for them, feed them, keep them comfortable, and come to their rescue when they cry.
When it comes to your marriage, it is imperative that expectations are clear, husband and wife understand the expectation, and they have agreed to meet this expectation. It is to your advantage to try your best to meet the reasonable expectations of your spouse, since it will make for a more pleasant and fulfilling relationship.
On the other hand, when expectations are not met, it can lead to frustration, anger, resentment, and sadly even divorce. Keep in mind that expectations are only reasonable when they have been agreed upon by both of you.
KEEP LOVING STRONG!
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