“Here we go again,” you’re thinking, as your heart races and you roll your eyes in frustration. Let me guess… you’re angry with him again? What is it this time? Did he forget to do something you asked? Did he order the wrong thing? Did he leave the drive-thru without checking the order, and now your burger is all wrong? Did he forget about an appointment? Did he get you a “bad” Mother’s Day gift? Or maybe you told him something a few weeks ago, and now he doesn’t even recall the conversation. You just can’t understand how he could forget—this was something so important to you.
Ever hear the term “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well, I don’t know how true it is, but I think I understand the point. Simply stated: Men and women are built differently. Their bodies are different. Their brains are different. Their emotions and temperament are just not the same. We are just wired differently. In many ways, we are complete opposites. Hence the saying, “opposites attract”. So when I hear about couples not getting along and arguing about certain things, I’ve learned that if I just listen with intent long enough, I can often pinpoint exactly where the disconnect is.
This is why communication is the number one skill couples need to master. Once you’re able to communicate effectively, you WIN in marriage!
1 – Listen to Understand, Not to Win
When your husband is speaking, are you really listening to what he’s saying? Are you trying to understand what he’s feeling or experiencing? Or are you already forming your rebuttal while he’s still talking?
If you’re already thinking about how to defend yourself, you’re likely listening with the wrong heart. Listening isn’t about “winning”—it’s about resolving the conflict. And you don’t necessarily resolve conflict by talking. You gain more, hear more, and learn more by listening. Listen in a way that shows you care. Don’t make it a task—make it a pleasure.
2 – Use “I” Statements, Not Blame
As humans, our natural response is to look for someone else to blame. It’s easier to see faults in others than in ourselves. Sometimes we even hear people say things like, “She made me do it” or “He made me do it.” As a teacher, I hear this all the time, and I remind my students: no one can make you do anything.
In marriage, the same principle applies. You can’t fix or change your husband, despite what you might believe. As unnatural as it may feel, begin training yourself to look within first. There will be things he does that bother you. But when discussing them, don’t immediately place the blame on him.
Use an “I” statement like:
“I feel __________ when __________ happens.”
Or,
“When we experience __________, it makes me feel __________.”
These kinds of statements help focus on your own feelings and experiences rather than accusing your spouse. And often, by expressing your feelings this way, it invites your spouse to reflect on their own actions—especially if they are the source of your pain.
When you are referring to yourself, instead of your Hubby, it helps to break down the walls of defense. Since you are not blaming or pointing the finger at him, he is less likely to be defensive. Once this barrier has been removed, you’re more “open” to hear and receive what the other is saying.
Focus on yourself, for you are the only one that you can change. When a situation arises, make it a habit to take a look at yourself FIRST! Ask yourself these questions:
*How did I contribute to this issue?
*What can I do to make it better?
*How can I help my husband in in this matter?
*What could I have done differently?
Once the focus is on you, there is less of a temptation to place blame on him. Be responsible for your own actions, is what I often tell my students. Those words are for us, wives, as well.
3 – Schedule Check-In Conversations
Make sure you and your husband are talking every day. The “difficult” conversations shouldn’t be the only time you actually talk. Routine check-ins should be a priority, and they should be intentional.
Take time each day to check in with one another—beyond the surface level. Yes, you can talk about your workday or what the kids are doing, but also take time to ask how your spouse is really doing. What’s going on underneath the surface?
Sometimes we find ourselves in a difficult season and don’t even realize why. It could be because we haven’t stopped to have meaningful conversations. When issues are left undiscussed, they tend to grow and can begin to weigh us down.
Regular check-ins let your husband know that you care and want to stay connected. They deepen your relationship and make the tougher conversations feel more natural. When you’re in the habit of open communication, you feel like you can talk about anything. Without it, difficult conversations may feel like you’re talking to a stranger-due to the distance/disconnect between the two of you.
In short: “checking in” should be a lifestyle, not an event.
4 – Practice Active Listening
Do you know the rules for listening? Here are a few, from my years of teaching:
- Eyes on the speaker (Eyes on Hubby!)
- Ears listening
- Body still (STOP what you’re doing)
- Mouth closed (Hush… so you can LISTEN 😉)
You actually “listen” with your whole body.
Now let’s talk—are you still texting or scrolling through Facebook while your husband is talking? Responding to text messages while he’s pouring his heart out to you? I hope this doesn’t describe you, but if it does, don’t worry! This is your chance to make it right.
When he speaks, give him your full attention. Stop what you’re doing. Make eye contact. This tells him that you value what he has to say. Avoid interrupting—unless you need to ask a clarifying question to make sure you understand him. That’s active listening.
5 – Watch Your Tone and Body Language
Your body language often speaks louder than your words. Imagine talking to someone with folded arms, heavy sighs, and eye rolls—it’s off-putting and creates a negative space.
So, how about you? Are you making eye contact with your husband while he speaks? Are you nodding occasionally to show you’re following? What happens when he says something you disagree with? How do you respond?
When it’s your turn to speak, pay attention to your tone and volume. A raised voice or harsh tone can put him on the defensive. If your voice is naturally loud, it may take some extra effort—maybe even a quick pause—to remind yourself to speak gently.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1
6 – Know When to Pause
Sometimes, when we’re passionate, we can get carried away in conversation—talking so much that we don’t even notice our spouse has checked out.
Have you ever gone on and on, only to realize he’s zoned out? Pause. Look at his face and body language. Is he still engaged? Or does he seem confused or annoyed?
It’s okay to pause and ask, “Are you following me?” or “Does this make sense?” That moment gives both of you space to re-engage.
Also, if the conversation becomes heated or overly emotional, take a break. This doesn’t mean the conversation is over—just that you’re hitting “pause” so you both can cool down and return with calmer hearts.
Pausing is not quitting. It’s caring.
7 – Pray or Reflect Together
Praying after a difficult conversation can help heal emotional wounds and promote unity. Coming together in prayer shows your spouse that even after a tough talk, you’re still committed to one another and willing to put in the work.
Just like your car needs regular maintenance, so does your marriage.
Take time to reflect on how things have been going over the past few days or weeks. Journaling can help! You might even begin to notice patterns—what triggers you, what helps resolve conflict, and what builds connection.
Conclusion
No marriage is “perfect,” but the two of you can be perfectly committed to building a strong, lifelong relationship.
Being intentional about communication is a gift you can both give each other—one that will take you far and keep you close. Once you learn to communicate with the right words and the right heart, there’s no situation you can’t face together.
The two of you are inseparable.
Which two of these communication tips are your favorite?
Don’t wait—start practicing them today!
If this post encouraged or challenged you in any way, I’d love for you to share it with a friend or a fellow wife who could use a little support in her marriage journey.
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We’re in this together—and I’m cheering you on every step of the way.
💛 With love and purpose,
Tamyia
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